Chapter 24

My mom keeps buying me clothes i tell her i dont want, i wish she would spend her money on things i actually want, instead of wasting it and making me feel bad. Our drama play is this weekend, im aware im known to have a negative disposition towards drama, but its all a farse... i really love it, but in all honesty this show sucks. I hate it, its the dullest peice of literature ever written, its not funny, its not exciting, its not intresting, its just there. I love acting i wish we could do a worthy play, im embarassed to have people i know see me in this. Its really a bad look for the potential our drama society has. It upsets me. I miss Liz, shes so cool, everything ive been doing could be so much better if she was here to share it with me. And i feel bad to all my friends im always so busy. I feel like im turning into a Jake, hes always bragging about being an overachiver and being so busy, and not that im bragging its just i cant take on anymore responsibilities, i cant commit, and i feel bad. I wanna be in a Christmas Carol so bad, i have the part of Marley's Ghost, and i didnt even try out, and ugh stupid school. I hope Halloween rocks, if it sucks ill be sad.

Home Alone

So Apparently people do read this, I guess thats a good thing though, because so many times I just feel like i cant talk to people. I feel like if i wanna talk to someone people feel like they need to say somehting back which really isnt the case, i dont always need a response or help or a compliment, sometimes you just like to talk and tell people things. Ive really wanted to tlak about my grandma a lot lately but i feel like its a really uncomfortable topic for people, even my family memebers so I dont. It's not like it was a big deal, we knew she was dying for two years basically, and she was old, but its so weird for her not to be alive. She's "died" so many times and she always is still living when i come home the next day, for it to actually happen is still a schock even though its was expected. I also thought I wouldn't care, I mean i wasnt going to be happy, but I just thought if she died it wouldnt affect my life, it would actually make my life easier, i just thought it would happen, and that would be that... and that wasn't the case, I mean I've adjusted, but its weird, for example, after the funeral and all the family was at my house i was comming home to it all and i was like "wow grandmas not gonna be here".... I liked her, haha, despite all the truamatizing experiences my family and I went through with her, during my childhood she meant a lot to me and thankfully thats what i remeber most and all the bad things dont seem as bad. It changed the way I thought about myself and I don't really know what to think anymore.... During it all the one person out of everyone i kinda wanted there was Ruthie, and I dont know why,but I thought that was odd.

In other news, Im home alone with nothing to do and no one to see, and oppertunities i would usually jump at but dont want to take.