IT's About Time.

I'm glad no one really reads this anymore, there's been a lot i've been thinking about and i just wanna say, but i don't neccesarily want anyone to hear. Number one i guess is my grandma, she is going to die anyday now, and the disgusting thing is i can't wait for it to happen. I want to give her a banana and just let it happen now (potassium will kill her). I feel absolutly no attatchment to her and barely any love, its relaly weird, i feel kinda guilty and worried for myself that i feel this way, but for the worst part is it doesnt bother me.... it scares me for when im in her place, i dont want people treating me the same why i or my family treats her. I think i blame her for most everything that is wrong with my family right now, i remember just as she moved in, before things got crazy I was at Danille Parisi's hosue and she was talking about boys and family issues and stuff and i was listening, and she said to me John i feel bad, i feel like im always the one talking and you never have any problems and i thought about it, and i was like wow my life is practically perfect i dont really have any problems at all, im happy, and suddenly form that point on, my grandmother scard me for life, and it seems form the moment she started living with us, the sanity of every member of my family has just gone down hill, and for the past 2 years almost, this october, my family (esp my dad) faces one stress after another never getting a moment of peace. My mother is crazy, and she prolly gets it form her mother (my grandmother), but i have a little more sympathy for her now than i did when i was younger cuz i can see all that she deals with. She has bascially given her life to her family, making sacrifcie after sacrifice, as well as my dad, never taking a moment for themselves, Their trip to IReland this sumemr was the first time in there ENTIRE LIVES they had a moment to themselves not bending over backwards for someone else. theyre the most selfless people i know, and theyre all i know really as adults, and it scares me really for my future. Im scared to commmit to something, so possibly be giving up my life unkowingly, i associate a job and a family and marriage with what i see in my parents, and i KNOW it's somehting i don't ever want, i dont know where im suppose to go with life, like i dont want a family, because im selfish and i dont want to even risk winding up like my parents, and i feel like i need a job i can do well to benefit the rest of the world, not like saving rainforests curing cancer and beginin world peace but more like a talent i have that can aid the world, even if im the worlds best french fryer then id work at a Wendy's, i dotn know what my talent is yet, although thats not as concerning to me i have a lot of time to figure that out. But ever since i turned 17 ive been having like a semi midlife crisis. Getting old is really freaking me out, I feel like now that im older i need to take on more responsibility, but i really just want to stay a kid.... i think its really unfair that we have no freedom when we have the least amount of responsibility , and then once we have adulthood and freedom were too swamped with our responsibility to make the best of it. I wanna stay young and care free, my brother did that, and now he is in a dead end job living wiht his parents using alcohol to get out of his problems, and luckly for me i can learn from his mistakes and not go down that path, but then my sister on the other hand, took on all the responsibility she could, i mean she still goes out and has fun but she gets caught up in everyones problems always doing what is best and taking care of people, i dont know how to find a happy medium. Im terrified of aging, to be honest im highly unsatisfied with my body. IM extremly vain, and ppl tell me im goodlooking and i agree with them haha, but i feel like if i really was goodlooking why wouldnt more people like me? when people dont like me, or want to go out with me i automatically think it has to do wiht the way i look, one of my biggest fears is being fat, but i dont wanna be skinny either, i want to be attractive to people, i feel like its key to success, appearence is the first thing a person knows about you, and like it or not a first impression is very important. For a month i was sure that the only reason Jake didnt want to go out with me, was because i wasn't "hott" enough... Thats another thing lately. Jake. While i was in Ragtime i got to meet Jake Tenebaum who i knew threw my friend, and myspace basically for a while, i did the play mainly so i could get to know him, and honestly i REALLY liked him, i always think i can never be in a good realtionship because i dont care about ppl enough, or im too selfish, but i really was intrested in hearing the things Jake had to say, when i wasnt with him i wanted to be, and anything i did i would think about what it would be liek if he was with me, i dont want it to sound creepy for only knowing him a short period of time but i really liked him, legitamatly, which to be honest i can't really say that for anyone since Rob Steininger. I thought Jake liked me too, he wanted me to be next to him in the cast picture and he led on so much,(which i cant be annoyed with b/c im such a tease with people), but when Ragtime was over and he didnt really see us hanging out anymore i was really crushed, but it got me thinking to where i was at 15 years ago. I wasnt even comfortable with being gay myself, it wasnt really until this year a few months ago i finally accepted myself. I always felt liek ppl made such a big deal about teenagers trying to "find" themselves and discovering thier sexuality, but looking back its one of the most confusing things ive ever been threw, while i was "dating" Alex i rememeber thinking well i cant do this becasue if i go out with him what if someone else comes along, and there was always Ruthie what if i decided to go out with ruthie then id have made a commitment to someone else, and i couldmnt accept i was gay 100%, and i couldnt commit myself to guy or even friends, it was just a really weird time i told myself i was lonely and i wanted a relationship, but no way in hell was i ready for anything, i led guys on, i talked to them, and the second things might have gotten serious, i ditched them and was a royal ass face to them. it such a confusing time, i finally feel comfortbale wiht who i am and i feel liek i understand myself, i wish Jake was at this point but i dont think he is, which makes the feild of dating in the gay world about 10 times harder than when your striaght since one everyone is exactly at the same point when you meet them. and everyones a pervert as well. I really want a realtionship now im ready for it if not with Jake with someone else i can care about. i want a second chance kinda, i wanna see how i will be different with all that ive learned in the past few years, I feel like now is the best time too, because i always feel sorta compelled to be with my friends and i dont want a boyfriend to come between that, especially with Amanda Gong, i feel like i understand her very well and i need to be there for her, and i alomst wish i was striaght so i could make sure she had a proper person to take care of her, i hope she finds a person who will understand her and treat her well.... I guess i could go into more detail on all of these things, and prolly find a few more things that have been on my mind lately but even if someone miracuously stops by this site i doubt they'd even take the time to read soemthing this long, so i wont go making it longer. I just wanted to get a few things out lol. Mabye ill write in this again. Later